The first time I saw it was in a Singaporean newspaper. The article—”Involuntarily Celibate: Inside the minds of ‘incels’ who blame women and society”—told the story of an “ideological extremist movement” of young men who, victimized by unwanted sexual isolation, lash out at the opposite sex they deem responsible.
“These men are known as ‘incels,’ short for involuntarily celibate,” the article explained. According to one expert, it continued, “incel and manosphere ideology promote contempt of women, normalize gender-based violence and create toxic social pressures tied to rigid notions of what it means to be a ‘real’ man…”
Then Netflix released its critically acclaimed “Adolescence,” viewed by an unprecedented 66.3 million worldwide. The four-part series, produced in the UK, tells the story of a seemingly normal 13-year-old boy losing his cool after being rejected by a female classmate who taunts him as a good-for-nothing incel. So he stabs her to death with a knife he borrows from a friend.
Whew!
As the father of a boy about the same age, I couldn’t help but shudder. And as someone long interested in the ever-changing interplay between the sexes, couldn’t resist doing a little research of my own. The upshot? That the feeling of abandonment and rejection by some young men is not entirely unfounded.
To begin with, they are falling behind academically. On college campuses, more than 58% of the undergraduates are now women, as well as 53% of the PhDs. Almost one in four young boys is diagnosed with “developmental disabilities.” In America, girls are 14% more likely to be “school ready” by age five, comprising two-thirds of the top 10% of high schoolers and a corresponding minority of underachievers. And boys are 50% more likely to fail in math, reading, and science.
Even more troubling, males account for three-fourths of the “deaths of despair” by suicide and drug overdose.
All of which has far-reaching effects. More women aged 25-34 are entering the workforce than ever before, while the number of men remains stagnant. And 20% of the males live with their parents, compared to only 12% of the females.
Those changes are rooted in the modern feminist movement, beginning in the 1960s. While it redefined women’s roles, emphasizing self-sufficiency over dependence on men, the corresponding male roles were left unaddressed. As a result, says Richard Reeves, president of the American Institute for Men and Boys, “The sense a lot of young men have is not being needed by their families, communities, [or] society.”
In the dating world, that translates into just 34% of single women seeking romance compared to 54% of men. And the women still looking say “qualified” mates are becoming increasingly hard to find.
Enter the incels who are among those left out. “Modern dating is rigged against straight men,” one told The Straits Times, while “women have the freedom to choose.”
For young Jamie, the main character in “Adolescence,” the tragic outcome is murder. “Can I ask you something?” he inquires of a female therapist in one gut-wrenching episode. “Do you like me? Don’t you even like me a bit?”
All of which prompted an earnest conversation between me and my son. “Do you know any incels?” I inquired, holding my breath for his answer.
“No,” Isaac responded, “what’s that?”
“And at school,” I went on, “do the girls like the boys?”
“Sure,” he said, adding that a few even find him attractive. But he hastened to add, “I want someone who likes me for me,” and I swear, I could have kissed him.
And yet I can’t forget the last scene of the Netflix series where Jamie’s heartbroken father tearfully kisses his incarcerated little boy’s childhood teddy bear. “I’m sorry, son,” he weeps, “I should have done better.”
“Adolescence,” one reviewer wrote, “is a convincing portrayal of the widening chasm between parents and their teenage children in a savage, unregulated digital age.”
All I can say is we ALL should do better.
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David Haldane is an award-winning American journalist, author, and radio broadcaster with homes in Southern California and Northern Mindanao. His latest book, Dark Skies: Tales of Turbulence in Paradise, is available for preorder on Amazon. This column appears weekly in The Manila Times. Website: davidshaldane.com
