My brother has disowned me. Again. And thus continues the tumultuous relationship we’ve long endured.
As usual, our latest breakup involves politics, though I didn’t learn that directly from him. No, from him all I got was a terse demand to exit his life seemingly out of nowhere. Followed by a silence, utter and profound.
It was only later I learned what had angered him: a column I’d written entitled “Confession: Hamas Made Me Vote for Trump.“ Far from a blanket endorsement of the man, it was a simple observation that his track record on the Middle East seemed better than his opponent’s; an opinion bolstered by subsequent events.
The irony is that, in a truce not unlike those for which that region is famous, my brother and I had long ago agreed to forego each other’s written or oral political opinions. But then a relative had the bright idea of sharing my column with him and, voila! more than six months has passed without communication.
I had stopped thinking about it until a recent slew of articles caught my eye. First came a New York Times essay suggesting that perhaps it’s time for liberals to “stop snubbing” their conservative relatives.
“What has all this banishing accomplished?” Author David Litt, a former Obama speechwriter, wondered, citing statistics showing that half of American adults are estranged from close relatives, including 20% who blame political differences. “It’s not just ineffective,” he concluded. “It’s counterproductive.”
Ah, but then came the counterattack. Litt’s opinion, Sarah Jones bellowed in New York Magazine, was “so naïve it borders on malice.” Of course, it’s okay to disown politically errant (i.e. conservative) relatives, she argued, because, well… “neutral ground does not exist.”
To which I can only respond with a vomit-strewn “hogwash!”
I can think of at least two ways Jones’ reasoning defies all logic or moral cognizance, and the first is, yes, political. “Democracy dies in silence,” many have said, meaning that open debate and communication form the essence of its lifeblood. It is therefore the ultimate irony that those most likely to accuse Trump of “endangering democracy” are also the most likely to disengage from anyone expressing a different opinion.
The second reason is both personal and universal; family is the basic unit and key ingredient of civilized society without which, I believe, we can neither thrive nor survive
It’s a concept that my poor brother has difficulty grasping.
The last time he disowned me, in fact, the silence lasted years. And it only ended after the birth of my youngest daughter, now five, when my Filipino wife and I surprised him at his place of business.
“We thought you might like to meet your new niece,” I said, offering him our sweet little baby girl.
He stared at us in shock and then burst into tears. “I love you,” he said, hugging us as one. “Promise me you’ll never let me drive you away again.”
For a while I thought we’d turned a corner. Life seemed good, as if the love and trust had been restored. In time I even felt safe enough to dedicate my latest book to “my beloved brother.” Then Donald Trump took office, and my sibling’s well-aimed spear once again pierced my unguarded heart. Last we heard, he had disinherited our children.
I don’t care about that, of course. And I am slowly getting used to the idea of losing a brother. Because here’s the thing; I have no more babies to bring him. And even if I did, I don’t think I could ever make myself that vulnerable again.
So, I will focus on those members of my American family for whom political disagreements are merely passing distractions. And on my Filipino family, which has an intelligent and decent sense of priorities.
My prayer for America: that somehow the country of my birth survives this dark night of disaffection.
____________________
David Haldane is an award-winning American journalist and author with homes in Southern California and Northern Mindanao. His latest book, Dark Skies: Tales of Turbulence in Paradise, was recently voted #1 on Goodreads Listopia of Best American Memoirs. This column appears weekly in The Manila Times.
